


The Worst Kind of Pain I’ve Known

by snarfette



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Serious Injuries, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:25:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarfette/pseuds/snarfette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A devastating turn of events at a meet and greet event leaves one member of the band fighting for his life and the others struggling to hold themselves together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any member of One Direction. I’m not making any money out of writing this story. This has never happened and I obviously hope that it never does. 
> 
> I have no medical knowledge beyond my own recent hospitalisation so please excuse and ignore any terrible inaccuracies in my descriptions of hospital treatments and injuries. Suspend your disbelief! 
> 
> This story is written in five short chapters which I aim to update fairly quickly so as not to keep you in suspense! 
> 
> Title taken from Linkin Park’s 'Roads Untraveled'.

"What's your name sweetheart?" Harry asked as he sat at the table talking to the next young girl in the queue of fans that were waiting to get CDs, pictures and body parts signed by their idols.

He glanced over at his band mates who were all doing just the same as him. He was looking forward to a break in a few minutes, when the doors to the record store would be closed for a short while and the fans would have to wait patiently for their turn. It was one of their ‘secret’ meet and greets which at least meant the numbers of fans could be somewhat limited and restrained.

The few minutes of chatting and being cried at flew by as Harry said goodbye to the last group of fans that had been waiting.

"Thank fuck it's time for a break," he heard Zayn say, he was swirling his right hand round and round. "I swear I'm getting repetitive strain injury from writing my own name."

"Ha! There are much more interesting ways to develop that problem,” Niall laughed as he made a crude gesture, before adding, “I'm dying for a piss," as he began making his way towards the toilets at the back of the store.

Harry stood and stretched, his back popping as his shirt rode up. The chance to move from the less than comfortable chair he’d been sitting on for the last hour or so was almost heavenly. Feeling Louis' eyes on him, he closed the gap between them with a few strides as he walked behind the long table.

"I could hardly wait 'til we got a break so I could come over here and kiss you," he said as he cupped Louis’ cheek and bent down to capture his lips in a gentle kiss.

Louis smiled up at Harry. “You’re incredibly cheesy, you know that right?” He pulled Harry back for another kiss before adding, “But you must be rubbing off on me because I was thinking exactly the same thing.”

The two were completely in love and had been together ‘officially’ for over two years: no more hiding, no more lying, no more denying what was plain for everyone to see. It was public knowledge, and although _some_ people had found it hard to accept and there had been some backlash at first, there were no major problems anymore. Nobody could deny that they were meant to be together and most of the fans had only been surprised that it had taken so long for them to admit their feelings to the world.

The four of them sat around talking and having a drink so that they would be recharged ready to begin chatting with the fans again. Harry and Louis were sitting closely together, Harry with his arm across Louis’ shoulders, with Liam and Zayn on either side.

“Hey, where’s Niall got to?” Liam asked after a while

“He went for a leak,” Zayn replied simply.

Meanwhile, Niall was sitting outside behind the record store. He had decided to sneak out and enjoy the peace and fresh air after being in the store crowded with excited fans. Out of the five of them, he was the one who had always found the chaos, noise and crowds the hardest to deal with so a moment of peace and calm was all he needed before heading back.

Just as he was about to stand up and go back inside before he was missed, he heard the door open behind him.

“Yeah, I know it’s time to go back in. I was just…” but before he had time to turn around and finish his sentence, someone had grabbed hold of his left arm and twisted it painfully behind his back.

“What the _fuck_?” Niall cried out as he tried to wriggle free. At first he had thought that it was one of his band mates joking around but whoever it was had twisted his arm back so painfully he soon realised that it wouldn’t be one of them.

 “Now, now Niall, settle down,” a low voice growled behind him. “You wouldn’t want me to snap your arm and then go in there and hurt all of your friends would you?”

Niall stilled immediately and drew in a sharp breath in shock at the chilling words he heard; then he felt something pressed against his skin. There was no way he could be mistaken, he didn’t want to believe it but the man was holding a gun to his back.

“What the fuck is going on?” Niall repeated fearfully.

“I want you to walk nice and slowly back into the store. Don’t try to do anything clever and be a hero. Just do exactly what I tell you.”

He had no choice so he began walking back through the door he had come out of. The man was still holding onto him tightly and the gun was still pressing into his back. His mind raced with things he could do to get out of the situation but all he kept coming back to was the fact that this person had a gun and they were slowly getting closer and closer to where his best friends were sitting, completely unaware of the danger.

***     

“Two minutes until we open the doors again!” called one of the record store staff.

Liam, Zayn, Harry and Louis all stood up to have one last stretch before they were forced to sit on uncomfortable chairs for God only knew how long.

Louis pulled Harry towards him. “I love you. Did you know that?” he asked with a fond look in his eyes.

“Hmm, you know I think I was maybe already aware of that fact,” Harry smiled. “I love you back,” he added as he leant down slightly to capture Louis’ lips with a kiss.

“You two should get a fricking room! You can’t leave each other alone for five minutes,” moaned Zayn.

Harry and Louis both flipped Zayn off simultaneously and then smirked at each other.

“Is Niall still in the loo? I thought he’d only gone for a piss. Someone better go get him before the fans are let back in,” Liam interrupted.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got him,” called a voice that no-one recognised from near the back of the store.

The guys all looked round in confusion and gasped at what they saw. Niall was being pushed forwards by a tall, well built man. They could see that Niall’s arm was twisted behind his back, but they couldn’t place the look on his face. Niall looked torn between terrified, pained and almost apologetic.

“What the hell are you doing to him? Get your hands off him,” said Liam forcefully, and he took a step towards the pair.

As much as they all enjoyed winding each other up and messing with each other, they were incredibly protective of each other; Niall was like their brother, no-one else was allowed to mess with him.

The man pushed the gun hard into Niall’s back and he cried out, “No Li! Don’t move, don’t do anything.”

 Liam stopped in his tracks and looked confused. “Niall, what the hell is going on?” he questioned, but it wasn’t Niall that replied.

“Don’t worry Liam, I’ll explain everything in just a minute. But before we start talking I need the four of you to stand away from one another so I can see you all clearly.”

The way the stranger spoke was calm and almost polite, but Liam was too pissed off for being pleasant. He could see that Niall was scared; something was very wrong.

“Who the hell are you to be telling us what to do? Why should we do anything you say?” Liam asked angrily.

Niall felt the man shift his position. He still had hold of his arm tightly but Niall’s eyes widened as he felt the gun removed from its position against his back.

The man pointed the gun at Liam. “ _This_ is why,” he said calmly. “Now if you’ll do what I’ve told you to, there won’t be a problem, will there?”

Niall saw the faces of his four friends turn pale. He knew the way they were feeling because the same terror was running through him. None of them seemed to know what to do, until the man pulled sharply on Niall’s arm. Again he cried out in pain.

“Well it seems to me that Niall is the smartest of all of you,” the man continued. “Because when I told him to do something, he did it. It would be a shame if I had to shoot him now, because the rest of you are stupid.”

With that, he moved the gun so that it was pointing upwards against the underside of Niall’s chin.

The other four men moved quickly so that they were apart, but Harry refused to move too far away from Louis. They were still standing next to each other, with Harry slightly blocking Louis. He knew that Louis would probably reprimand him for such a gesture but he just couldn’t bear the thought of moving away from him.

The stranger just smirked. “How sweet! But true love won’t stop a bullet, and it certainly won’t stop me killing your friend.” He mocked. “So move, _now_!” It was the first time the man had raised his voice and it scared the guys even more.

Louis squeezed Harry’s hand tightly; he knew that they had to move. Harry looked at Louis and smiled weakly. He didn’t want Louis to move to somewhere that he would be in any more danger, but he knew that they couldn’t risk the anger of the man with the gun.

Louis stepped to the side, away from Harry, completely exposed as they all were. He noticed that the staff from the store had disappeared; probably evacuated while the gunman was so focused on the band. There were security guards at the doors but they were powerless against a man with a gun pointed at someone’s neck.

So there they were. Niall was still held tightly with a gun pointed at him. Louis, Harry, Liam and Zayn were lined up; all of them at the mercy of a complete stranger.

“So I suppose I should explain why we’re all here,” the man began as his eyes scanned the assembled group.  “You killed my sister,” he said bluntly, like it was the most obvious thing to drop into a conversation.

The five men he held captive looked completely baffled as they glanced at one another questioningly.

It was Louis who found his voice first. “What are you talking about? We’ve never killed anyone.”

The man glared at Louis with hate-filled eyes. “You killed her, I know you did. She loved your band, she always listened to your music, she was obsessed with you, wouldn’t stop going on about you. Then, one day, she killed herself. It had to be something to do with you.”

Zayn who had been silent so far couldn’t hold back the comment he made, “You can’t be serious. You can’t actually blame us for that. If anything we’ve tried to help our fans. And anyway it’s not like our music has the power to make people do that sort of thing.”

The man snapped his head towards Zayn and suddenly pointed the gun at him. His hand was actually shaking as he shouted angrily at him, “Don’t you dare try to make this into some sort of joke.”

Liam could see that the man was starting to lose his calm composure and tried to reason with him. “Zayn isn’t trying to make light of this,” he said as he held out his hands. “We’re sorry about your sister…but I really don’t see how you can blame us. We try our best to communicate with the fans and look out for them, we know how much they’ve done for us. Did she leave a note that said it was because of us?”

“No…she didn’t…but it has to be your fault. I don’t know why else she would have done it.” The man was starting to sound confused. Maybe if they could keep talking to him they could make him see sense.

Harry seemed to realise this too as he said, “We’re sorry that you’ve had to go through this. There are a lot of different reasons why she might have been depressed though, if she didn’t leave a note you’ll probably never know what made her do it. Maybe you should talk to someone about how you’re feeling.”

The man seemed to consider this, but then he shook his head angrily. “ _No_! I know what you’re all trying to do. You’re trying to convince me that it wasn’t your fault to get you out of this. But I know it was because of you. You live your perfect lives with all your money and fame, everyone falling at your feet and worshipping you. You have no idea what it’s like…you don’t care about anyone else but yourselves.”

In that moment, it became obvious that there would be no reasoning with this man. He had made up his mind that they were to blame. He needed someone to blame for what had happened, and it was easier to blame them than to even consider accepting any responsibility himself. The idea that the band was responsible was completely irrational, but that didn’t seem to have registered with this delusional madman. He had convinced himself that it was their fault. Maybe he had some mental illness that made him so unreasonable. Whatever the reason, he was still pointing a gun at them and seemed to be losing his control with every second that slipped by.

He was now pointing the gun at Liam again as he spoke. “I want you to suffer the way I have - to feel the pain of losing someone that you care about.” His eyes flicked momentarily towards the other band members and then back to stare at Liam.

“We are genuinely sorry about your sister, but please, _please_ don’t do this. If your sister loved us so much she wouldn’t want you to hurt us, would she?” Liam asked desperately. He was still holding out his hands with his palms facing the man trying to placate him and he knew it was a risky comment, but had decided that although it could make the man lose control completely, it might also just save them.

The man’s eyes seemed to glaze over for a moment and Liam thought it might just have worked.

The sound of sirens outside the building alerted everyone inside that the police had arrived.

With a jolt, the man refocused his attention upon hearing the sound. He stared at Liam coldly, “You need to pay for what you’ve done.”

He raised the gun and fired.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry...


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you I was hoping to update quickly! My aim is to update daily - I like a challenge!

Several things happened at once.

The man twitched his arm to the left, Liam’s right, and pointed the gun at Harry.

Louis realised what was about to happen and lunged towards Harry, sending the two of them tumbling to the floor in a heap.

Niall was motivated by hearing the gunshot and drove his elbow as hard as he could into the man’s ribs. The man cried out and Niall was instantly released, but he didn’t get away as the man brought the handle of the gun crashing down on the side of his head. He felt incredible pain explode in his skull before he fell to the floor.

The man was enraged now, his plan wasn’t working out at all how he wanted and again he pointed the gun at Liam.

“ _No_!” Zayn shouted desperately as another gunshot rang out.

But this time it was the stranger who fell to the floor, the gun falling from his hand and his eyes staring blankly.

Liam and Zayn hadn’t even noticed the police storming into the building, but they had arrived just in time.

The gunman was completely still on the ground and Liam was standing like a statue staring at him.

Zayn had rushed forward to check on Niall, but Liam just stared. Everything around him seemed to be out of focus; the only thing he could see was the body of the man who had wanted to kill them.

***

Harry had his eyes closed. He could feel something heavy pressing down on his chest and he found it difficult to breathe. He opened his eyes and immediately recognised the mop of soft brown hair on his chest.

“Lou, are you okay? Louis?” he questioned urgently.

When he got no response he wrapped his arm around his boyfriend and rubbed his back. Immediately, he stopped his motions when he felt something warm and sticky under his fingers. He raised his hand fearfully and he felt his heart stutter at the sight that met his eyes. His hand was covered in bright red blood - Louis’ blood.

“Louis? Oh God! _No_!” he cried, as he gently shifted their positions so that Louis was now lying on his back, with Harry leaning over him.

The movement seemed to stir Louis and he slowly fluttered his eyes open.

Harry could tell that Louis was in a great deal of pain as he looked at him; his face was contorted into a frown, lines etched across his forehead, beads of sweat forming on his skin and his eyes were full of agony.

Harry could feel his own eyes burning with unshed tears as he tried to keep control of his emotions.

“Oh my God, _why_ did you do that?” he asked desperately, holding Louis’ hand tightly.

“You know why,” Louis replied hoarsely. The puddle of blood around them was getting larger all the time and Harry could tell that Louis was getting weaker.

“You’re going to be alright, Lou,” Harry said softly.

“You were never…any good…at lying to me,” Louis managed to choke out with a frail smile.

A watery sob fell from Harry’s lips as he looked around wildly. He called out for help frantically but he didn’t know what to do and he felt so alone. He felt Louis squeeze his hand a little more tightly.

“I love you, you know,” Louis whispered.

“I love you back,” Harry replied with a voice that was shaking so badly he hardly recognised himself.

He watched in horror as Louis took a shuddering breath and then started coughing.

“I can’t breathe,” he managed to say as he rolled onto his side, trying desperately to catch his breath.

“No Lou, you have to try to keep still!” Harry urged, and managed to roll Louis back over. His own blood ran cold in his veins at the sight of a thin trail of red leaving Louis’ mouth and trickling down the side of his face. His eyes were closed now.

“ _Louis_! _No_! Please don’t leave me!” he screamed.

***

Liam had been standing staring at the body since the man fell. He was vaguely aware of people moving around him and voices speaking, but it all seemed a blur. He thought he heard someone calling for help; he recognised the voice but couldn’t seem to place it. It wasn’t until he heard an anguished cry of “ _Louis! No! Please don’t leave me!_ ” that he snapped back to reality. He turned to his right and was horrified by the sight before him. Harry was kneeling on the floor, with blood on his hands and shirt. It took a moment for Liam’s brain to register what he was seeing; the blood didn’t belong to Harry. It belonged to Louis, who was lying in a pool of red with paramedics now frantically working on him.

“Oh shit, no!” he cried and rushed to where Harry and Louis were.

Harry was shaking and tears were silently rolling down his face as he looked up at Liam. As much as it was hurting him to see his friend in such a serious condition, Liam knew that he had to be strong and keep it together.

“Harry, he’s going to be okay,” he said as he glanced over towards Louis again. He wasn’t sure if he sounded convincing, seeing as he was finding it hard to believe himself, but he had to stay positive.

Harry was staring at Louis; he seemed transfixed by the sight before him.

Liam wrapped his arm around Harry’s shoulder gently. “Harry? Harry, look at me. He _is_ going to be okay.” Harry looked up into Liam’s eyes and slowly nodded.

Realising that the paramedics were beginning to move Louis, Liam turned his attention back to them. “What’s going on?” he asked.

The paramedics quickly informed him that they were taking Louis to the hospital and that one of them could ride in the back of the ambulance. He helped Harry get to his feet and walked him to the ambulance behind the paramedics that were carrying Louis.

The police had done a good job of clearing all the hysterical fans away from the building and Liam said a silent thank you that there weren’t hordes of people screaming and shouting questions at them. He promised Harry that he would join him at the hospital as soon as he could, and as the ambulance doors were closed he took a few deep breaths to calm his nerves. He felt like he was going to be sick, but he refused to give in to the feeling and turned back towards the store to check on Niall and Zayn. 

As he went back inside, Liam saw Zayn standing anxiously watching as paramedics busied themselves with checking Niall over.

When Zayn saw Liam approach he rushed towards him. “Oh my God Liam, what the hell’s happened? Where’s Louis? Is Harry with him? Are they hurt?”

Liam took a deep breath before he began to speak. He needed a moment to get his thoughts in order and think of the words he could use to explain what had happened.

“They’ve taken Louis to the hospital. He’s…he’s been shot,” he paused again; saying it out loud made it so much more real and painful. “Harry’s gone with him and as soon we know what’s going on with Niall we’re going there too.”

Zayn was wide eyed and pale, he nodded slowly and turned back to Niall. “They’ve been trying to bring him round but it’s not working, he’s had a nasty blow to the head.”

The paramedics were preparing to move Niall to another ambulance that was waiting outside the store. One of them turned to the two men saying, “We’re going to take your friend to the hospital, you can ride along in the back of the ambulance.”

Liam and Zayn followed them outside. Liam turned back at the door and took in the sight of the store. Police were everywhere, the body of the man who had caused all this was still lying on the floor, a pool of Louis’ blood stained the ground a short distance from the body. Staring at the scene for just a moment, Liam knew that this place would probably haunt all of their nightmares for the rest of their lives.       

***

When they arrived at the hospital, Niall was immediately rushed away to have tests and scans carried out on him, leaving Liam and Zayn standing in the busy waiting room confused and worried. They approached the reception desk quickly and spoke to the woman sitting behind it.

“Excuse me, can you help us find our friend? He was brought in not long ago; Louis Tomlinson,” Liam asked.

The woman looked at her computer screen and began typing, she seemed to find what she was looking for and glanced up at the two men standing in front of her.

“I’ll just go and see if the doctor is available to speak to you,” she said and hurried off down the corridor.

Liam and Zayn looked at each other nervously, each of them seeing the same fear reflected on the other man’s face.

A few minutes later the woman returned with a young, male doctor. She pointed towards Liam and Zayn, then returned to her position behind the desk.

The doctor approached them, “Hello, I’m Dr. Mitchell. You’re friends of Louis Tomlinson?” he asked.

They could only nod in response, their throats suddenly dry.

“He was in a very serious condition when he was brought in,” the doctor began. “The bullet has done a lot of damage and he’s lost a lot of blood. He’s been taken straight up to surgery.”

Liam could feel the sick feeling creeping up on him again, but he managed to speak to the doctor, “Can we go somewhere near to the operating theatre to wait for him then?”

“Yes of course you can,” Dr. Mitchell replied, “Go up to the third floor and ask at the desk up there. They’ll show you where to wait. I believe another one of Louis’ friends has already gone up there.”

Liam and Zayn thanked the doctor and left the crowded waiting room. They took the lift up to the third floor in silence. For once, neither of them knew what to say.

When they reached the third floor they stepped out of the lift and quickly made their way to the desk. It was a lot quieter up there, but Liam didn’t feel like it was making him any calmer. They asked at the desk and the receptionist pointed them in the direction of a relative’s room, telling them that a doctor would inform them as soon as there was any news. Liam really didn’t feel like sitting in a room full of strangers; people who would probably stare at them and, God-forbid, recognise them.

When they opened the door to the room, they were surprised to find that the only person inside was Harry. He didn’t even notice them enter, he was too pre-occupied with staring at his own hands. They were clean now, but Liam knew that Harry would still be able to see Louis’ blood all over them. It would probably take a long time for him to stop seeing that awful image.

“Harry?” Liam spoke gently so as not to startle him.

Harry looked up, snapped out of his trance. He looked so relieved to see them; he stood up immediately and walked towards them. Liam and Zayn each hugged him and he slumped against them as they held him tightly.

“Have you heard anything since you came up here?”

Harry shook his head, “They rushed him up here pretty much straight away, I’ve been waiting in here. They said they’d come and tell me what was going on but no-one’s been in yet.”

Harry looked terrible; his eyes were wide and red from crying, his hair dishevelled from running his hands through it in agitation, he was paler than Liam had ever seen him before and he looked completely distraught.

“Well we’re here now and I’m sure someone will come to tell us what’s going on soon,” Liam tried to reassure him as he patted him on the back gently.

The two of them sat down but Zayn didn’t move, he just stood awkwardly where he was. “I think I’d better go and check on Niall. I don’t want him to wake up here on his own and think the worst,” he said.

Liam looked at Zayn with understanding and nodded.

Zayn exited the room quickly and began making his way back downstairs. He wasn’t good with such highly emotional situations, he didn’t know what to say and he was terrified of receiving the possibly bad news that they were all trying so hard not to think about. Besides which, he really didn’t want Niall to wake up alone and think that they had all been shot after he had fallen unconscious.

Back in the relative’s room, Liam explained to Harry about Niall. He didn’t want to distress Harry any further so he just said that Niall was being checked over as a precaution. Then the two of them lapsed into silence once more.

After a while, Harry stood up abruptly and walked to the other side of the room. He turned around quickly and he almost looked as if _he_ was in physical pain.

“Liam, what if he…”

But Liam cut him off quickly. “Don’t say it Harry. Don’t even _think_ it. I told you, he’s going to be fine.”

Harry took a deep breath and nodded his head once before he walked back to his seat. Again silence overtook the room. Time seemed to have stopped. Liam was sure that the clock on the wall was broken because every time he looked at it the time seemed to be the same.

Suddenly the door opened and both Harry and Liam jumped to their feet expecting to see a doctor with news on Louis. Instead, there stood Zayn with Niall just in front of him.

“Ni, thank God you’re alright,” Liam said as he rushed forward and hugged him tightly.

Niall had a dark, angry looking bruise down the right side of his face, stretching from his hair-line to the top of his cheek bone. Zayn forced him to sit down in one of the chairs and began explaining to Liam and Harry what had happened.

Apparently, Niall had a serious concussion and the doctors were reluctant to let him leave. It was only after Zayn had explained that they wouldn’t actually be _leaving_ the hospital, and that Niall would more than likely drive them insane asking if they had any news about his friend or if he could leave yet, that they decided to let him go. Zayn was under strict instructions to keep a close eye on him and take him straight back to the doctor if he seemed unwell.

Their relief at seeing Niall on his feet again was short-lived as the apprehension from before seeped back into the room. The four of them sat in silence again; each man with his own thoughts, all of them trying not to even consider the terrible possibilities. The only break in the monotony was when Liam and Zayn made phone calls to various family members to inform them of what had happened, the worst of which being to Louis’ mum. Not being able to tell her anything definite felt torturous and when Liam finished the conversation, with the promise that he would call if there was any news and that Jay would be on her way as soon as possible, he was just about to go and ask at the desk if there was anything to report when the door opened slowly. A grey-haired, male doctor walked into the room, carrying a clipboard.

“Are you all here for Mr Tomlinson?” he asked.

The four of them stood up as one.

“Yes, we are. How is he?” Harry asked. He was shaking and his voice was unsteady.

The doctor’s face gave nothing away as he looked at the men before him. He took a deep breath and began to speak.   


	3. 3

“Your friend has been moved into the Intensive Care Unit. He has received serious internal injuries. The bullet entered his back on the left side; it shattered one of his ribs and punctured his left lung. We had to operate to remove the bullet and repair the damage to his lung. In addition to this, he has lost a large amount of blood. He’s currently receiving a blood transfusion.” He paused for a moment to allow his explanation to sink in with the men gathered before him. “The good news is that the bullet didn’t hit his spinal cord or his heart which would have caused much more severe damage.” The doctor finished speaking and looked at the four men steadily. They all looked stunned and no-one spoke for a long moment.

Then Liam asked the question they were all desperate to have answered, “But…is he going to be okay?”

The doctor looked at them sombrely. “I’m afraid that your friend is in a critical condition. We are working to make him comfortable and stable but the damage to his lung is severe so he will be on a life support machine until we see signs of improvement in his condition. I’m sorry that I cannot make any guarantees to you, but I can assure you that we are doing everything that we can to help him.”

Liam felt an involuntary shudder pass through him at the words. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Harry sink back down to his seat and put his head in his hands. He sat next to him and wrapped his arm around his shoulders.

“Can we see him?” he asked.

The doctor nodded, “Of course, I’ll take you up to the ICU. There is another private room that you can wait in up there.”

With that, they all followed the doctor out of the room.

Liam was supporting Harry as he really didn’t think the taller man’s legs would be strong enough to carry him.

The doctor, who had introduced himself as Dr. Johnson, led them to another waiting room and then explained that the ICU limited visitors to two in a room at any time. He asked who would be seeing Louis first and Liam indicated himself and Harry. They left Zayn and Niall in the room and walked a short way along the corridor.

They stopped outside a room and Dr. Johnson turned to them.

“This is Louis’ room,” he began, “I understand that seeing your friend in this condition will be upsetting for you, but please try not to be too alarmed by all the machines and wires; they’re all there to help him.”

With wide eyes, Harry nodded stiffly and stepped towards the door, but Liam held back. “Li, are you coming in?” Harry asked.

Liam shook his head, “Uh no…I think you should go and see him first. I’ll give you some time with him alone and I’ll come back in a bit. I’ll only be back in the waiting room if you need me.”

Harry nodded and turned back to the door – despite his apprehension, nothing was going to stop him from entering that room. He took a deep breath and stepped forward and through the door. Dr. Johnson followed him through.

Liam didn’t look through the door as he turned and walked quickly back down the corridor.

On entering the room, Harry gasped loudly and then covered his mouth with his shaking hands. The sight of Louis took his breath away. He was lying on the bed, covered with a white sheet that was tucked under his arms. As Harry stepped a little closer he saw how pale Louis was, his tattoos standing out starkly against the tone of his skin. A light sheen of sweat covered his skin and he had large, dark circles under his eyes that stood out even more in contrast to the sickly pallor of his face. Harry could just see the top of a thick bandage wrapped around Louis’ body. He had tubes and wires connected to his arms and chest, a tube down his throat provided him with oxygen and a heart monitor beeped steadily at the side of the bed.

Harry could hardly take it all in, how could this have happened to his Louis? Never, even in his worst nightmares, could he ever have pictured anything like this.

He tore his eyes away from Louis and turned to Dr. Johnson. “Can he hear me?” he asked hoarsely.

“It may help to speak to him. Hearing a familiar voice may help to bring him back to consciousness. I’ll leave you alone now. If you have any questions or concerns the staff at the front desk will be able to help you and Louis’ ICU doctor will be calling in to check on him shortly. I truly hope he’ll make a speedy recovery and come back to you soon,” Dr Johnson said kindly.

“Thank you…thank you for helping him,” Harry smiled weakly and turned back to Louis as Dr. Johnson left the room. He pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat down. He took Louis’ left hand in his and squeezed it gently. He couldn’t speak, this was all too much. He lifted Louis’ hand to his mouth and kissed it; then he broke down and cried.

***

Liam had nearly broken into a run down the corridor. He passed the waiting room and headed straight for the toilets. Once inside, he closed himself inside a cubicle, knelt down in front of the toilet and vomited. He had felt like he needed to do it since they had been at the store, but he had kept pushing the feeling away. He had to stay strong to help Harry, and all of them, get through all this, but standing outside that room he knew he wasn’t ready to face what was inside.

When he had finished retching, he leant back against the wall of the cubicle, he put his head in his hands and he sobbed.

This wasn’t right, this wasn’t how their day was supposed to go. They were planning to go out for drinks at a bar after the signing, how did it turn out like this? He started questioning the events of the day: what could they have done differently, how could this have been avoided? But all the questions and thoughts only made him sob harder.

He didn’t hear the door open and didn’t notice a pair of feet appear at the bottom of the cubicle door until he heard a voice.

“Liam?” It was Zayn.

Liam wiped his face roughly with his hand. “Yeah?” he sniffed, trying to sound like he was okay, but failing miserably as his voice was far too strained and gravelly.

“Liam, open the door,” Zayn demanded.

There was a shuffling from inside and the bolt slid across.

Liam was standing there, with red eyes, breathing heavily. “I’m alright, just needed a minute.”

Zayn looked at him sceptically, “You don’t have to always be the strong one you know. We all know how hard this is on you too. Don’t think you have to pretend for us. It’s alright to be scared – we all are.”

“Honestly, I’m fine Zayn. You don’t need to worry about me,” Liam replied as he brushed past him.

But Zayn wasn’t going to accept that and he grabbed hold of Liam’s elbow as he passed.

“Zayn - just _fuck off_!” Liam snarled at him as he spun around, but then his face fell as his eyes met his friend’s and he sank to the floor of the bathroom.

Zayn knelt down in front of him and hugged him tightly.

“We’re going to get through this Li, I promise. Louis is going to be fine, he’s tougher than this.”

Zayn felt Liam nodding slowly against his shoulder. He rubbed his back reassuringly and silently prayed that his promise would not be broken as his own tears quietly made their way down his face.

***

Harry was still holding Louis’ left hand; he was rubbing the back of it with his thumb. He had stopped crying and was now just watching the steady rise and fall of Louis’ chest. It terrified him to know that the only reason his chest was moving at all was because there was a machine working at the side of the bed.

Harry spoke softly, “Lou? I don’t know if you can hear me…I hope you can. You have to come back to me. You have to wake up…you can’t leave me.” He sniffed and felt more tears threatening to fall, but he blinked them away. “I love you so much. I wish…I wish you hadn’t done this…it shouldn’t be you that got hurt…it should be me lying there.” His voice broke as the tears slowly began travelling down his cheeks again, “Please don’t leave me Lou. _Please_.”

***

Once they had both regained some composure, Liam and Zayn walked back from the toilets to check on Niall. They entered the waiting room to find Niall falling asleep in his chair.

“Oh no you don’t,” Zayn shook him gently, “The doctor said you weren’t supposed to fall asleep for a while yet.” Niall scowled at him, but he looked more like a sulky child than an annoyed adult.

“Come on Niall, don’t be pissed off. We just don’t want to have anyone else in a hospital bed today,” Liam told him, and Niall seemed to be pacified by this.

Liam smiled softly at him and told them he was going to check on Harry and Louis. He left the waiting room and started the short walk down the corridor. He was dreading the moment he had to enter Louis’ room; would he be able to cope with what he was confronted with? He knew he had to do it; Harry had already gone in and dealt with it, so he had to do the same.

He paused at the door for a moment. He couldn’t hear anything from inside, so he slowly pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Harry looked up from his position next to Louis’ bed and saw Liam’s face take on a look of absolute horror. He stood from his seat and walked over to Liam.

“Come and sit down,” he said as he guided him to the chair. “I’ll give you some time with him. The doctor said we should try to talk to him because it might help.” With one last sad, loving look at his boyfriend, Harry left the room.

Liam couldn’t believe how calm Harry had seemed. He knew that inside Harry was breaking apart, but he was trying to hold it together as much as they all were.

Outside the room, Harry sat on a plastic chair near the door. He didn’t want to go back to the waiting room; it seemed too far away from where Louis was.

Liam was slowly taking in everything in the room. His eyes looked at the machines, the wires, even the way the sheet was tucked in neatly at the foot of the bed, all because he couldn’t bring himself to actually look at Louis’ face. He knew he had to, but he thought that seeing his friend in such a state might push him over the edge. Slowly, he lifted his eyes to look at Louis’ pale face. He took a shuddering breath at the sight. Louis was so pale. Liam hated to make the comparison but he looked like a ghost.

He gazed at his friend for a long time and then tried to speak. Nothing came out so he cleared his throat and tried again. “Lou, it’s Liam. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’re lying here like this. This shouldn’t have happened to you…it shouldn’t have happened to any of us,” Liam paused and rubbed his eyes. “I hope you can hear me ‘cause you need to know that we all miss you. We need you to wake up and tell us all to stop moping about like a bunch of babies. Seriously Lou…please wake up…we need you.” Liam looked at Louis, longing to see any reaction but he got none. He rubbed Louis’ arm gently and stood up from his seat. “I’ll be back later,” he said as he walked to the door.

Liam was surprised to find Harry sitting outside the door, but not all that surprised that Harry didn’t want to be far away from Louis. The two had always been inseparable, but even more so since they had been a couple.

“Are you alright?” Harry asked as he looked up at Liam.

“Hanging in there,” Liam replied, “I’m going to see if Zayn or Niall wants to come down and see him.”

Harry just nodded, then stood up and went back into Louis’ room.

While Harry sat holding Louis’ hand again, the door opened and a female doctor walked in. “Hello, I’m Dr. Miller and I’ll be looking after Mr Tomlinson while he’s here in the ICU,” she introduced herself.

Harry smiled weakly, “I’m Harry…and you should just call him Louis. He’d never forgive me for letting you call him Mr Tomlinson; he’d think it made him sound old,” he told her with the slightest of smiles.

“Well, Louis it is then,” Dr. Miller continued, “I understand how difficult this must be for you, but we are doing everything we can to help him.”

Harry wondered _how_ she understood how difficult it was. Had she been in the same terrible situation? Or had she just seen hundreds of other relatives, friends and partners sitting by the bedside of their loved ones, desperately hoping they’d wake up?

The doctor was looking at the chart at the foot of the bed and continued talking, “I see that Dr. Johnson operated on Louis. Well your friend was in safe hands; Dr. Johnson is an excellent surgeon.”

Harry felt the need to correct her. “Actually, Louis is more than my friend. He’s my boyfriend,” he told her.

Dr. Miller looked at him sympathetically and smiled gently. Then she spoke again, “Someone will be coming to check on Louis every half an hour. If you notice any changes while you’re sitting with him there’s a call button just on the wall there.” She pointed at a red button on the wall above the bed-frame. Harry couldn’t help but think that a red button was one you pressed when something bad happened. “If you have any queries or concerns please don’t hesitate to ask at the desk. It was nice to meet you Harry. Try to stay positive.” She smiled at him once more and left the room.    

It wasn’t long before there was a knock at the door and it opened again. This time Zayn was standing there looking uncomfortable.

Harry stood up again, kissed Louis on the forehead and walked towards the door. He patted Zayn on the arm and left the room to sit out in the corridor again.

Zayn felt incredibly awkward. Liam had told him what to expect but nothing could really prepare him for what he saw. He stepped towards the end of the bed and stared at Louis.

Liam had also told him to talk to Louis, but Zayn didn’t really know what to say.

“Hey Lou,” he said quietly and then he felt the full weight of the situation crash into him as he realised that he wasn’t going to get any response from his friend who was usually so animated and full of life. The pale man lying in the bed didn’t even look like the Louis they all knew and loved; the ridiculous, loud joker who always had a sassy comment to make or a prank to inflict upon one of them.

Zayn shook his head; none of them were anything like the One Direction the public were used to right now. Harry, who was always so cheeky and mischievous, was completely distraught. He was sitting in a hospital corridor, too scared to walk down a hallway in case something happened to his boyfriend while he wasn’t close to him. Liam, the strong and stoic one, was trying his best to hold it together, but not long ago he had been sobbing on a toilet floor. Niall was recovering from a blow to the head that could have killed him and wasn’t allowed to even go to sleep in case he slipped back into unconsciousness. And here he was, the guy who always had a clever comment or a bizarre story, completely lost for words. He moved round to the side of the bed and sat in the chair. He didn’t speak, he just sat in silence.

Fifteen minutes later Zayn left the room. He hadn’t spoken a word to Louis after he had sat down but he knew that Louis would’ve understood. He took the seat next to Harry.

“How are you holding up?” he asked.

Harry shook his head. “I just can’t believe this has happened. I keep expecting him to suddenly wake up and say it’s all been one of his stupid jokes, but I know that’s not going to happen,” Harry paused and looked Zayn in the eyes. “I’m so scared Zayn. I can’t lose him.”

Zayn put his arm around Harry’s shoulders. “You aren’t going to lose him Harry. Louis would never leave you. We’ve all been through so much together and this is just something else we’ll get through. We will _all_ be okay.”

Harry smiled appreciatively at him. Zayn couldn’t quite believe it. A moment before he had been unable to even speak and now he was speaking words that seemed to have eased Harry’s suffering, even if only slightly.  

As they sat there, they saw Liam and Niall walking down the corridor towards them. Well Liam was walking and supporting Niall who was staggering slightly. He looked like he was drunk. On any other occasion Zayn knew they would have been laughing about it, but it just provided another reminder of the situation they were in.

“Ni was asking if he could see Louis so I brought him down here. Can he go in now?” Liam asked, looking at Harry.

“Of course he can,” Harry nodded and watched as Liam led Niall towards the door.

“I’m only giving you five minutes in there,” Liam told him, “Otherwise you’ll probably fall asleep.”

Niall nodded and entered the room. He quickly located the chair and sat down. He suddenly felt even dizzier and he wasn’t sure whether it was his head injury or the fact that he was so shocked at seeing Louis that was making him feel that way.

“Hey Lou,” he said quietly, “Don’t you look a state? What a mess you’ve got yourself into this time.” He couldn’t cope with being sentimental right now and knew that Louis always appreciated a laugh when things started to get too serious. Niall started to ramble on about things that were totally irrelevant to fill the quiet in the room. He really didn’t know if it was the concussion causing it or nervousness at being confronted with his friend in such a state. He was relieved when the door opened and Liam stepped in.

“Are you ready to go back to the waiting room? I think Harry’s quite desperate to come back in now,” Liam said.

Niall nodded and stood up carefully, he still felt dizzy and didn’t want to fall onto Louis and cause any more damage.

Liam noticed and moved forward to support him as they left the room.

As Liam had said, Harry was standing outside the door nervously moving from one foot to the other. He smiled an anxious smile at them and quickly stepped back into the room.

Now that each of them had been in to see Louis privately, Liam was pretty sure that it would be virtually impossible to get Harry to leave Louis’ side.


	4. 4

The vigil beside Louis’ bedside began.

As Liam had predicted, Harry refused to move away from Louis. The only time he left was when he had to go to the toilet because of all the coffee he was drinking to keep himself awake. Even when he did this, Liam guessed that Harry must have practically sprinted down the corridor and back again so that he wasn’t away from Louis for too long.

Sometimes Harry sat alone in the room, but he was often joined by Liam or Zayn, and then Louis’ mum when she arrived from Doncaster. She had come alone, not wanting the girls to see their brother in such a condition, especially as the doctors had no idea of when, or even if, Louis would wake up. Niall was mostly confined to the waiting room, as Zayn had finally allowed him to get some sleep.

Harry had no concept of time; the only reason he knew that time was passing at all was the regular visits by nurses or Dr. Miller every half an hour. They would knock and enter the room, smile and sympathetically greet the people at the bedside, look at the machines around Louis’ bed, record the readings on the chart at the foot of the bed, sometimes fiddle about with Louis’ IV line, and then leave again.

Harry was looking more and more tired. Liam knew that he had hardly slept since they had arrived at the hospital and it must have been at least a day and half since they had got there. He tried to encourage Harry to go and get some rest, but Harry resolutely refused to leave the room. He watched as Harry’s eyes drifted closed briefly every now and then, but he was always startled awake after a few minutes. He would look around wildly until he focused on Louis and saw that his chest was still rising and falling, and that the machine by the bed was still keeping its steady rhythm. Liam himself wasn’t much better. He had tried to sleep in the waiting room on one of the couches, but had tossed and turned so much he knew that he could have only had a few hours sleep at the most.

Liam knew that Harry spoke to Louis while he was alone in the room. He knew because he did the same in the rare opportunities that Harry had rushed off to the bathroom. When the two of them were sitting there together it seemed odd to talk to Louis. They would tell him what was going on around them and then sit in silence, hoping that Louis would be able to sense their presence.

***

They had been sitting by Louis’ bedside for over seventy-two hours with no change in his condition. Liam was impressed by how well Harry had been keeping his emotions under control. He knew that Harry was doing a lot of thinking but he wasn’t prepared for what Harry was about to say to him.

Whilst Harry and Liam were sitting on either side of Louis’ bed, Harry suddenly began to speak, his eyes fixed on Louis’ pale face.

“This is all my fault. He jumped in front of me and got hit by that bullet to save me. Why didn’t I realise what was going to happen and move myself? If he… if he dies it’ll be my fault. I can’t live with myself knowing that and…and I _can’t_ live without him, Li.” Harry’s suddenly wild eyes turned to Liam desperately. “If…if he makes it through…he’ll probably hate me forever. He won’t be able to forgive me for what’s happened and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for letting him get hurt.”

Tears were slowly making their way down Harry’s face now as he stared at Louis again. “Please forgive me,” he said as he began to sob bitterly, “Please forgive me Lou.”

Liam was stunned. He should have known that Harry wasn’t really holding it together at all. He was torturing himself with his own thoughts of guilt and his heart was breaking from the pain of possibly losing Louis.

Liam quickly stood from his seat and walked around the bed to where Harry was sitting sobbing. He gently put his hand on Harry’s shoulder to comfort him, but Harry jumped up and pushed him away, the chair screeching across the tiled floor as he moved.

“How can you even be around me? This is _my_ fault! You can’t forgive me either and I don’t expect you to,” Harry screamed at him. “It’s _all my fault_ that he’s hurt…that he might _die_. I _can’t_ live without him,” he cried in despair as Liam rushed forward and pulled him into a tight hug. Harry struggled for a moment and then seemed to lose his strength as both he and Liam sunk to the floor.

“I don’t need to forgive you Harry,” Liam told him as he squeezed him tightly. “There’s nothing to forgive, you didn’t do anything wrong. This is _not_ your fault. Louis won’t hate you because _he_ made the decision to jump in front of you. It was _his_ choice and he did it because he loves you so much. Don’t forget that and don’t you dare blame yourself for what happened. The only person to blame is that psycho who attacked us. When Louis wakes up he’ll tell you exactly the same as me. You know he will, and you know that he loves you and nothing will ever change that.” Liam rubbed Harry’s back soothingly as Harry continued to cry against his chest.

“But…what if…what if he doesn’t wake up?” Harry sobbed bitterly.

“He _will_ wake up,” Liam told him firmly. “It might take him some time but he is going to come back to us. You aren’t going to lose him Haz.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without him,” Harry continued crying into Liam’s shirt. “Seeing him like this…knowing what’s happened to him…that he might…it hurts _so_ _much_.”

Liam drew in a shaky breath. “You have to stay positive Harry. Don’t give up on him.”

“I never would,” Harry whispered as Liam kept his hand rubbing up and down his back. 

This was the result of Harry trying to keep his emotions under control and Liam knew that he would sit on the floor with him until he was finished crying even if that took hours.

After a long time Liam left the room, leaving Harry, finally calmed down, sitting back in his chair next to Louis, quietly talking to him. Liam knew that Harry needed a moment on his own with his boyfriend.

With a heavy heart, he walked back to the waiting room to speak to Zayn and Niall. He was getting seriously worried about Harry now. He didn’t even want to think about it, but if his worst fears came true and Louis didn’t make it, he knew that they would lose Harry too.

He spoke to Zayn and Niall about what had happened and what Harry had said. Both of them looked appalled that Harry would blame himself and then frightened when Liam told them what he feared would happen if Louis didn’t survive.

“Zayn, can you go back to Harry and Louis’ place and get Harry some clean clothes and stuff for a shower. He’s still wearing the top that the hospital staff gave him when we first arrived and it might help him to put his own stuff on and feel more normal instead of being reminded that his previous outfit was covered in blood.”

Zayn nodded but then asked, “How exactly do you plan on getting him to leave Lou for long enough to have a shower?”

Liam shrugged in response, “I’ll think of that when you get back with the stuff.”

Zayn left the hospital taking Niall with him. He didn’t like the thought of leaving Niall alone; he was still worried that he hadn’t fully recovered from his concussion.

Liam walked back along the corridor and sat on one of the chairs outside Louis’ room. He wanted to give Harry some time alone with Louis, but he wanted to be close enough if Harry needed him.

***

Liam had fallen asleep in his chair and when he woke up he wasn’t sure how much time had past, but when he looked up he saw Zayn walking down the corridor towards him. He was carrying two bags. He sat down in the seat next to Liam.

“I brought Harry’s stuff, and then I went to your place too and got you a change of clothes as well,” Zayn told him.

Liam looked at him and smiled gratefully. “Thanks Z. Now I’ve just got to persuade Harry to actually go and have a shower,” he said as he stood up and stretched. He picked up the bag of Harry’s things and entered Louis’ room.

Harry was sitting in the same position holding Louis’ hand. Liam took a moment to look at him. His hair was dirty and a complete mess, his eyes were red and tired looking, he was wearing a baggy hospital top that he had been loaned and his jeans were splattered in dried blood; he was a mess and looked completely exhausted.

“Harry,” he said gently so as not to startle his friend. “Zayn’s brought you some clean clothes and stuff so you can have a shower. I’ve spoken to one of the nurses and they said there is a shower room in one of the bathrooms down the hall that you can use.”

Harry looked up at him and shook his head, “I can’t leave him. What if something happens while I’m gone?”

Liam knew that Harry was going to resist the idea but he persevered. “Look, I’ll stay here with Louis and come and get you if there’s any change. You’ll feel better if you get freshened up. Besides do you really think that when Louis wakes up he wants to see you sitting there looking like some sort of hobo?”

Harry couldn’t help but smile softly at Liam’s comment. He stood up slowly, bent to kiss Louis’ forehead gently and took the bag from Liam.

“Come and get me…” he started, but Liam held up his hand,

“I’ll get you if there’s the slightest change, I promise.”

Harry looked at Louis for a long moment before he quickly turned and left the room.

Liam knew he wouldn’t be gone long. Wearily, he sat down next to the bed. He sighed deeply and looked at Louis. He carefully placed his hand on Louis’ arm.

“Lou, if you can hear me, you’ve got to wake up soon. Harry really needs you. We _all_ need you, but Haz…” he paused because he didn’t know quite how to explain his fears, “Harry, isn’t coping too well. He’s losing it without you. I’m frightened Lou. I’m frightened of losing you and I’m frightened of what will happen to Harry if you don’t wake up soon. Please Louis, please come back to us.”

***

Liam was right, Harry wasn’t gone for long. But when he returned and entered the room anxiously looking at Louis, Liam immediately thought he looked better. He didn’t look any less traumatised but at least he was clean.

“Any change?” Harry questioned him.

“No, I told you I’d come and get you if there was. He’s still the same,” Liam replied.

Harry took his seat back on Louis’ left side. He sighed deeply and took hold of Louis’ hand again.

“I think I might go for a shower myself,” Liam said as he stood from his seat. He left the room with a heavy heart and went to get his things.

When Liam returned from his shower he peered into the room and saw Harry still in his position by Louis’ bed. He didn’t think he could face sitting in the room in silence anymore so he continued walking back to the waiting room.

Zayn and Niall were both asleep; Zayn stretched out across a couch and Niall curled up in a chair. Liam was glad they were asleep, at least someone was managing to get some, and he knew that they would wake up soon and he would have someone to talk to. The burden of holding everything together was starting to become too much and he felt like he needed to share the load with someone. He sat quietly with his own thoughts.

***

In Louis’ room, Harry was sitting leaning forward in his chair. He was staring intently at Louis. He was taking in every feature of the face he loved so much. He gazed at the soft, pale skin of Louis’ face and at the way his dark eyelashes contrasted against his skin. He longed so much for Louis’ eyes to open so that he could look into the vibrant, blue eyes that he had fallen in love with.

“Lou…I miss you so much. I wish you would open your eyes - I miss looking at them,” Harry sighed deeply, “I love you, you know.”

Harry rested his elbows on the edge of the bed; he closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands.

Suddenly, the regular, steady beating of the heart monitor changed pace. The beeping sped up and the lines travelling across the screen were jumping erratically.

Harry stood up quickly, “Lou? Oh God! What’s going on?”

He was terrified as he reached over and thumped the red button on the wall above the bed.

“Louis, don’t you dare leave me!” he shouted, as Dr. Miller and two nurses rushed into the room.

Harry was forced backwards away from the bed as Dr. Miller and the nurses frantically checked the machines and examined Louis closely.

Dr. Miller looked up at one of the nurses. “He’s waking up,” she said.

Harry felt his knees go weak and he had to lean on the door frame to hold himself up. He could hardly believe it. Maybe he had finally drifted off to sleep and this was some cruel dream created by his subconscious. He was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of Dr. Miller’s voice.

“Louis? Can you hear me? You need to open your eyes.”

Harry took a step forward, hardly daring to hope that he would see the eyes that he had feared he would never see again. He saw a flicker of movement and painfully slowly Louis’ eyes opened. After blinking a few times sluggishly, he gazed around, wide eyed; he looked confused and frightened.

“Louis, I’m Dr. Miller. You’re in the hospital. You have a ventilator tube down your throat that’s been helping you to breathe. Now that you’re awake I’ll need to remove it. If you understand what I’m saying blink your eyes twice.”

Harry watched as Louis blinked twice, more quickly now, and the doctor continued to speak. “Good. Now this may be uncomfortable but on the count of three I’d like you to try to breathe out, okay?”

Louis blinked twice again and Dr. Miller began to count. When she got to three, she pulled the tube out of Louis’ mouth and throat and he coughed weakly.

“Welcome back Louis,” Dr. Miller said kindly as she and the nurses continued checking Louis over. “We’ll give you something for the pain now.”

Harry stepped up to the side of the bed as one of the nurses left the room.

Louis turned his head slowly to look at him. As green eyes met unfocused blue, Harry felt his heart begin to repair itself. He sank down into the chair beside the bed and took Louis’ hand in his.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered.

Louis looked confused. He spoke hoarsely, so quietly that Harry had to lean forward to hear him, his voice sounded wrecked. “What…happened?” he asked.

Harry was stunned, he hadn’t been expecting that. How was he supposed to explain this to Louis? As he looked at him thoughtfully, the doctor took Louis’ other hand and injected a clear liquid into the cannula that was inserted into the vein at the back of his hand and Harry realised that he wouldn’t have to explain because Louis was immediately drifting off to sleep.

Dr. Miller looked at Harry and spoke quietly to him, “Don’t worry that he is falling asleep already; that’s what we expect from the morphine we’ve given him. He still needs lots of rest to help him recover and sleep is one of the best ways for his body to repair itself.”

Harry was still concerned. “Is it normal that he can’t remember what happened?” he asked.

Dr. Miller smiled at Harry, “It’s perfectly normal for him to be a bit confused and disorientated. He’s only just woken up. It should all come back to him eventually.” With that, she placed an oxygen mask on Louis, recorded something on the chart, smiled at Harry and left the room.

Harry just sat and watched Louis for a long time. He couldn’t believe that Louis had finally woken up, even if it was only briefly. He wanted to make sure he wasn’t imagining it and the more he looked at Louis without that awful tube down his throat the more he started to believe that he was really back. Louis was still deathly pale and there was obviously going to be a long road to a full recovery but Harry didn’t care, as long as he had Louis with him.

He suddenly realised that the others didn’t even know what had happened and he needed to ring Jay as she’d gone back to her hotel for some rest.

He stood up, kissed Louis on the forehead and whispered “I love you” before leaving the room.

He hurried down the corridor and burst into the quiet waiting room.

Liam, Zayn and Niall looked up at him startled, immediately thinking the worst, until Harry practically screamed at them, “He’s awake! He’s woken up! He’s come back to us!”

Harry watched as the reality sunk into his friends; the relief and joy on their faces matched the feeling in Harry’s heart. As they all hugged in celebration, Harry was sure that everything was finally going to be alright.     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're not finished just yet...


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and to anyone who has left (or plans to leave) feedback in any form - it's much appreciated. I'm sorry I've put you through the emotional wringer, but I stuck to my aim to update daily so as not to drag out the suffering too much!

A few days later, Louis was moved out of the ICU. Dr. Miller was happy with his progress and he had gradually been spending more time awake. He was still incredibly weak, but strong enough to be away from such intensive care.

Harry needn’t have worried about how to explain what had happened to Louis. Louis awoke from a nightmare screaming Harry’s name, and it was obvious that he had remembered the ordeal. He had looked around the room in panic until Harry had taken hold of his hand and told him that everything was going to be alright.

Zayn, Niall and Liam had all left the hospital to go and get some proper rest at various times, but Harry still waited loyally with Louis. He was scared to leave him even now. The thought of ever being without Louis was too much for him to bear.

Louis had been uncharacteristically quiet since he had been moved away from the ICU. While Harry just put it down to him trying to get his head around what had happened, he was still concerned. There seemed to be a distance between them that he didn’t know how to bridge.

He had been shocked and a little hurt when Louis had asked him to leave when the nurses came in to change the dressings on his wound but he had respected his boyfriend’s wishes despite his desire to support him.

Louis wanted nothing more than to squeeze Harry’s hand tightly as the wound was inspected and redressed but he didn’t want to put Harry through the experience. He didn’t want Harry to see him in pain and he didn’t want Harry to look at the horrible angry injury that marred his skin. So he forced himself to send Harry away so he could clench his jaw, dig his fingers into his pillow and cry silent tears alone.    

Harry was right that Louis was spending a lot of time thinking about what had happened, but he was also thinking about how it might affect the future. Everything seemed hard work in his current state; even summoning the concentration required to just _think_ was draining and he couldn’t focus on anything for long. The doctors reassured him that it was a result of the trauma he had experienced and the strong pain-relief he was still receiving, but somehow Louis just didn’t feel right in his own head.

He woke from a nap one afternoon to find Harry beside the bed as usual. Harry was sitting in what looked like a most uncomfortable position; he was leaning forward from his chair with his arms resting on the edge of the bed and his head laid on top of his arms. It wouldn’t be any good for his back. He was fast asleep.

Louis watched Harry sleeping for a long time. He realised how exhausted Harry looked, and how much this whole experience must have taken out of him. He felt guilty about putting Harry and everyone else through so much.

He also knew that Harry was feeling guilty about what had happened. Harry had been quiet since Louis had woken up. Every so often, Louis would catch him looking at him with an almost pained expression on his face; a mixture of guilt, pity and suffering clearly displayed in his expression. Was that what their relationship was going to be based on now? Guilt and pity? He didn’t want Harry to blame himself and he certainly didn’t want Harry to feel sorry for him. He didn’t want Harry to feel obliged to stay with him; to feel like he owed Louis for saving his life.

Sighing deeply, he gently stroked Harry’s hair. There was another doubt plaguing his mind. Would Harry even still want him now? Obviously Louis hadn’t seen the state of his back but he wasn’t stupid; he knew that he was going to be permanently scarred with a horrible reminder of what had happened. Every time he looked at him, Harry would see that mark; would see that reminder of violence and blood, would see that ugly imperfection forever carved into his skin. Harry could have anyone he wanted; he could have someone perfect, without any awful scars.

Niall had already told Louis how ‘terrible’ he looked when he had first seen him after he had woken up. He knew that Niall was only trying to avoid being all soppy but it had still made Louis self-conscious.

And on top of that, Louis was going to be faced with a long recovery process. Was it really fair to lumber Harry with that burden too?

He loved Harry more than anything in the world, but he wasn’t going to be selfish and trap him in a relationship that he didn’t want to be in anymore. He continued stroking Harry’s hair as he felt a tear escape his eye and trickle down his cheek.

Deep down he knew that Harry loved him but everything that had happened combined with his own confusion was making it hard to focus on that fact. All he could think of was Harry looking at him sadly.

Squeezing his eyes shut to prevent any further tears leaving his eyes, he made a decision.

***

When Harry slowly woke up later, Louis was staring at the ceiling. He immediately sensed that something was wrong.

“Lou? Are you alright?” he asked. He was worried that maybe the doctor had given Louis some bad news while he had been asleep.

Louis didn’t look at him, just continued looking straight up as he replied, “I’m fine.”

Harry knew that something wasn’t right so he continued to press Louis for the truth, “Are you sure? You look kind of upset.”

“I told you I’m fine,” Louis snapped in response, “Actually, I’d quite like some time on my own so…please could you leave now?”

It was a question but to Harry it sounded much more like a statement.

“You…you want me to _go_?” he asked in shock. This was the second time that Louis had told him to leave since he had woken up and the pain of that stabbed at Harry’s heart.

“Yes,” Louis replied shortly. If he had glanced at Harry for just a moment he would have seen the hurt on his boyfriend’s face and stopped the charade at once, but he didn’t want to see Harry as he knew it would break his resolve.

Harry couldn’t believe it but he didn’t want to upset Louis in his current fragile state. He stood from his seat slowly, glancing back at Louis for a moment, before he left the room without another word.

As the door clicked behind him, Louis let out a breath that he didn’t realise he had been holding on to. He wasn’t sure how he had managed to do it. He felt terrible and his heart longed to call Harry back and apologise, but in his head he had decided that it was best for Harry if he pushed him away. It would give him the opportunity to walk away from Louis without feeling any more guilt about it.

Walking quickly along the corridor, Harry kept his head down. He was in absolute shock and felt like he was about to burst into tears so he didn’t notice Liam coming the other way until he walked straight into him. He looked up to apologise and locked eyes with his friend.

As soon as Liam saw the look on his face, he knew that something was wrong, “Harry? What’s happened? Is Louis alright?” he asked urgently.

Harry nodded. “He’s alright, but…” he trailed off not knowing what to say.

Liam continued to look at him until Harry finished what he had to say.

“He told me to leave. He doesn’t want me around.” Harry heard his voice crack and quickly added, “I need to get some fresh air.”

Liam watched as Harry quickly made his way to the stairs and disappeared. He couldn’t believe this and he was going to find out exactly what was going on.

Louis was in a trance staring at the spot where Harry had been sitting moments before and was startled when Liam burst through the door. There was no introduction as Liam launched straight into finding out what had happened.

“What’s going on Lou?” he asked.

“Nothing’s going on,” Louis replied quietly.

“Right, so that’s why I’ve just seen Harry looking so crushed out in the hall,” Liam said.

Louis flinched but shrugged his shoulders slightly. “I don’t know,” he lied pathetically.

“So you didn’t tell him to leave and that you didn’t want him around then?” Liam questioned.

“If you already knew, why were you asking?” Louis answered sulkily.

“Don’t be a prick,” Liam reprimanded him. “I can’t believe you’ve done that. What on earth possessed you to say that to him?”

“I don’t want him staying with me because he feels guilty or feels like he should because I got hurt or something. I don’t want him pitying me. I don’t want him to end up resenting me because he feels like he’s stuck with me. Besides, I doubt he’ll even want me now with the horrible scar I’m going to end up with and the length of time it’s going to take for me to get back to normal. He’s only twenty-one, he’s got his whole life ahead of him – he doesn’t need to be tied down to me in this state. He should be with someone perfect, someone who deserves him,” Louis said sadly.

Liam could hardly believe his ears. Maybe the blood loss had affected Louis’ brain because to him this was absolute crap.

“Are you _serious_?” he began, “You really think that? Do you _honestly_ think Harry is that shallow? He knows you’re not perfect; he knew that _ages_ ago and he still wants to be with you! He doesn’t want to be with you because he feels guilty. He wants to be with you because he _loves_ you. For fuck’s sake, when you were unconscious and we didn’t know if you were going to make it or not, he never left your side. He couldn’t bear the thought of not being with you. Me, Zayn and Niall were practically planning on going on suicide watch! And now you’ve woken up and basically told him to piss off!” Liam finished his rant and watched as the reality seemed to dawn on Louis.

“I didn’t know,” Louis began quietly, “I didn’t realise what had been going on.” He grabbed at his hair in frustration. “God, I’m just so confused about everything and I can’t think straight and he’s just looked so miserable and tired since I woke up…Oh shit, I’ve made a complete mess of everything, haven’t I?”

Liam just rolled his eyes and shook his head, “He’s looked so miserable and tired because he’s so worried about you because he _loves_ you, you dickhead. I’ll go and find him and try to explain. You’d better think of something amazing to say to him when I finally bring him back.” With that Liam turned and left the room.

Louis was so pissed off with himself. How could he have been such a fool? He wondered if things would have been better if he had stayed unconscious.

***

Liam knew that Harry wouldn’t have wanted to go far away just in case something happened to Louis, so he went straight down to the patients’ gardens at the back of the hospital. After a quick search he found Harry sitting on a bench.

As he approached, Harry looked up sadly. “I told you that he’d hate me. I knew he wouldn’t be able to forgive me,” he said quietly.

“He doesn’t hate you Harry,” Liam said as he sat down next to his friend, “I think he’s a bit…confused.”

Harry looked at Liam questioningly. “He seemed to think that he was doing the best thing for you by pushing you away. He was worried that you would feel forced to stay with him after what happened; that you’d feel guilty and like you owed him or something. He just thought he was doing the right thing. And I think he’s got himself into a right state with, like, over-thinking everything. He doesn’t want to be a burden or hold you back or something but really I think he’s just been a bit of an idiot.”

Harry remained very still for a moment and said nothing. Then he suddenly stood up and began marching back towards the hospital.

Liam quickly caught up with him, “Where are you going?” he asked worriedly. He thought Harry looked pretty annoyed and didn’t want him doing something silly in his current stressed out state.

“I’m going to talk to him,” Harry replied simply.

When they arrived outside Louis’ room, Harry asked Liam to give them some time on their own. Liam agreed but thought he’d better hang around nearby just in case he was needed.

Harry walked into the room and slammed the door closed behind him.

Louis looked up shocked.

“You are a fucking idiot,” Harry said immediately, stressing each word individually.  He wasn’t going to let Louis get a word in as he continued speaking. “I cannot _believe_ that you would think that the only reason I would want to be with you would be _guilt_ or _pity_. I want to be with you because I _love_ you. I loved you way before any of this happened, I loved you every second that you were unconscious and I’m planning on loving you for the rest of my life. Nothing will change that. The only problem we might have is if you don’t want me to.” Harry finished speaking and looked at Louis steadily, waiting for his response.

Louis looked completely ashamed of himself. “I’m so sorry Haz, I just thought I was doing the right thing. I don’t want you to feel guilty about what happened. I don’t want this to ruin what we have. I don’t want you to…to always think about it every time you look at me,” he said quietly, “I love you too – so much. I’ve been such a twat.”

Harry stepped towards the side of the bed. He sat down in his usual position beside Louis and took hold of his hand.

“I _don’t_ think about it every time I look at you. At the moment, while you’re here in hospital, it’s obviously still… _raw_ …for all of us, but that will fade with time. I nearly lost you Lou…” he paused and swallowed thickly, squeezing Louis’ hand tightly before continuing. “That will take some time to move on from. And I promise you that even though I do think about what happened, and it upsets me when I do, I don’t look at you and see just _that_. I see you, just you – and I realise how lucky I am to have you. I think about how much I love you and how much you must love me to put yourself in danger like you did. And yes, I do feel guilty about what happened, because I hate the fact that you got hurt, but I’m going to try really hard to move past that. I really do love you, you know…even if you are an idiot,” he said as he looked into Louis’ eyes. “Just promise me something will you?”

Louis’ eyes were wide as he absorbed everything that Harry had said but he raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“Don’t _ever_ doubt how I feel about you,” Harry said softly. “Because no matter what comes along and what we go through, all you need to know is that I love you.”

“I promise,” Louis replied, as Harry leant forward to kiss him gently.

When Harry pulled away from the kiss he rested his forehead against Louis’ gently.

“And I love you back,” Louis whispered. “But will you promise me something too?”

Harry nodded once.

“Will you remind me about this conversation if I start to freak out again? It’s just that…well I’m on a lot of good drugs at the minute and I’m worried that I might forget,” Louis said with a little smile.

Harry laughed softly and smiled fondly at his boyfriend. He squeezed his hand tightly. “I promise.”  


End file.
